Treading Water

Updated: Apr 6

Welcome to Leviathan Cove's blog, created for those who want to embrace their bodies beyond the physical realm, elevate all levels of their mind and enrich their souls from within. This is a place where you can raise your consciousness, feel supported and begin or continue rewilding yourself to this beautiful wholesome home we call Mama Earth.

Here you will find journal prompts to aid you in your inner growth, recipes to fuel your body and the real raw reels of behind the real Leviathan's Cove. It's time to within, so you no longer have to go without.

Are you ready to seek what is seeking you? Step inside this spiritual playground.

- Ashley; Energy Mentor + Plant Medicine Practitioner

I felt comfortable, but I knew I wasn’t safe. You know the kind of “comfortable” that sets in when you least expect it and before you know it, you fear what comes “next”? I had options, others sometimes don’t. But when you’re in deep, you feel like you’re under water. Constantly treading, hoping for either your final breath to slip away from you as you see the surface fade away and the water fully consume you or that a miracle performs itself and this was all just some kind of act in a movie. The hand you desperately seek doesn't reach to pull you out. Nothing came, but the treading of the water continued.

He was tall, made you belly laugh and charmed the pants off you. He embodied Prince Charming. I knew him for 17 years; we grew up together, going to the same high school. Prince Charming was friends with my older sister. He easily came off as appealing coming from a different country on Visa with the rest of his family. Prince Charming was 4 years older, but that just added to the charm.

When we started dating we would meet up together, the gifts came in like a flood. We would have 4 hour phone calls talking about when we were each little kids and what our lives were like. Honestly, I was never treated like this. All the affection and appreciation, it what's what most people dream of in relationships. We longed to be together forever.

But forever couldn’t have ended soon enough.

The time you think you notice things change, you’re already too far in. The drinking slowly increased; at first he would just have it on weekends or use a tiny amount to help with stomach issues. I grew up trying to solve things with a holistic approach, not thinking anything different to have a shot of alcohol to stop a bit of stomach pain. I wasn’t young and naïve, but the signs of an alcoholic weren’t something really talked about in my family. The bills started to pile up; at first it wasn’t anything major, I had some savings. He would ask for small gifts here and there. Who doesn’t like to spoil their partner? The gifts eventually got bigger and the savings account no longer existed. (He literally took our 7 month old’s savings, closed the savings account and lied about it). At one point I had no access to funds, I had a vehicle in my name I didn’t want, but he insisted on. The lies began pouring in.

He would have me watch television shows and distinctive scenes would happen where they would stand out and we would laugh so hard, we couldn’t see out of our eyes from the tears sliding down our faces. Later, I would bring up specific scenes, just for him to tell me they never existed. I didn’t realize at the time, this was the beginning of some very traumatizing gas-lighting and manipulation that lead to more severe brain washing, that he would later try to use in court. There is no such thing as one form of abuse is worse than the other, it all hurts.

In my brief marriage, things progressively got worse, until one day he asked for a divorce when we were fighting. Materials started flying through the air, but it definitely wasn’t the first time he had asked about divorce. However, at this point even though I just geographically moved further away from my family, something clicked. It’s like the water I was treading, just disappeared. I stood up for myself and said, “Yeah, you’re absolutely right, we do need a divorce.”

I haven’t looked back since, although the trauma still follows due to some things out of my control such as court proceedings, I do my best to move on. Some of the scars of manipulation still linger, my defense mode snaps on, but I know not all the survival mode still appears like it once did.

People tell you it’s possible to leave abusive relationships. They give you sources to find safety, they offer to call whoever you need and some even offer money. They expect you not to grieve the loss of this person or feel guilty, but you do. You spend endless nights questioning how you could have done things differently or how bubble over with the thought that your young child had to be involved.

What they don’t tell you is how your subconscious brain becomes conditioned. Your subconscious brain doesn’t care what you feed it. It’s starving and it will never stop eating day in and day out until you cease to exist. Your subconscious will absorb both negative and positive information. Your brain is controlled by cells called neurons. Neurons group together and send messages to each other, these are called brain waves.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who became sober 29 years ago this September. I knew of some of the signs, but at the age of 30, I didn’t really remember living them.