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Treading Water

Updated: Apr 6, 2022

Welcome to Leviathan Cove's blog, created for those who want to embrace their bodies beyond the physical realm, elevate all levels of their mind and enrich their souls from within. This is a place where you can raise your consciousness, feel supported and begin or continue rewilding yourself to this beautiful wholesome home we call Mama Earth.

Here you will find journal prompts to aid you in your inner growth, recipes to fuel your body and the real raw reels of behind the real Leviathan's Cove. It's time to within, so you no longer have to go without.

Are you ready to seek what is seeking you? Step inside this spiritual playground.

- Ashley; Energy Mentor + Plant Medicine Practitioner

I felt comfortable, but I knew I wasn’t safe. You know the kind of “comfortable” that sets in when you least expect it and before you know it, you fear what comes “next”? I had options, others sometimes don’t. But when you’re in deep, you feel like you’re under water. Constantly treading, hoping for either your final breath to slip away from you as you see the surface fade away and the water fully consume you or that a miracle performs itself and this was all just some kind of act in a movie. The hand you desperately seek doesn't reach to pull you out. Nothing came, but the treading of the water continued.

He was tall, made you belly laugh and charmed the pants off you. He embodied Prince Charming. I knew him for 17 years; we grew up together, going to the same high school. Prince Charming was friends with my older sister. He easily came off as appealing coming from a different country on Visa with the rest of his family. Prince Charming was 4 years older, but that just added to the charm.

When we started dating we would meet up together, the gifts came in like a flood. We would have 4 hour phone calls talking about when we were each little kids and what our lives were like. Honestly, I was never treated like this. All the affection and appreciation, it what's what most people dream of in relationships. We longed to be together forever.

But forever couldn’t have ended soon enough.

The time you think you notice things change, you’re already too far in. The drinking slowly increased; at first he would just have it on weekends or use a tiny amount to help with stomach issues. I grew up trying to solve things with a holistic approach, not thinking anything different to have a shot of alcohol to stop a bit of stomach pain. I wasn’t young and naïve, but the signs of an alcoholic weren’t something really talked about in my family. The bills started to pile up; at first it wasn’t anything major, I had some savings. He would ask for small gifts here and there. Who doesn’t like to spoil their partner? The gifts eventually got bigger and the savings account no longer existed. (He literally took our 7 month old’s savings, closed the savings account and lied about it). At one point I had no access to funds, I had a vehicle in my name I didn’t want, but he insisted on. The lies began pouring in.

He would have me watch television shows and distinctive scenes would happen where they would stand out and we would laugh so hard, we couldn’t see out of our eyes from the tears sliding down our faces. Later, I would bring up specific scenes, just for him to tell me they never existed. I didn’t realize at the time, this was the beginning of some very traumatizing gas-lighting and manipulation that lead to more severe brain washing, that he would later try to use in court. There is no such thing as one form of abuse is worse than the other, it all hurts.

In my brief marriage, things progressively got worse, until one day he asked for a divorce when we were fighting. Materials started flying through the air, but it definitely wasn’t the first time he had asked about divorce. However, at this point even though I just geographically moved further away from my family, something clicked. It’s like the water I was treading, just disappeared. I stood up for myself and said, “Yeah, you’re absolutely right, we do need a divorce.”

I haven’t looked back since, although the trauma still follows due to some things out of my control such as court proceedings, I do my best to move on. Some of the scars of manipulation still linger, my defense mode snaps on, but I know not all the survival mode still appears like it once did.

People tell you it’s possible to leave abusive relationships. They give you sources to find safety, they offer to call whoever you need and some even offer money. They expect you not to grieve the loss of this person or feel guilty, but you do. You spend endless nights questioning how you could have done things differently or how bubble over with the thought that your young child had to be involved.

What they don’t tell you is how your subconscious brain becomes conditioned. Your subconscious brain doesn’t care what you feed it. It’s starving and it will never stop eating day in and day out until you cease to exist. Your subconscious will absorb both negative and positive information. Your brain is controlled by cells called neurons. Neurons group together and send messages to each other, these are called brain waves.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who became sober 29 years ago this September. I knew of some of the signs, but at the age of 30, I didn’t really remember living them.

When you’re around the age of 5 years old you form what’s known as the Alpha Brain Waves. Alpha Brain Waves fall in the middle of the other 4; Detla, Theta, Beta and Gamma. Alpha Brain Waves are not quite fast, nor slow. These form when we aren’t concentrating too hard, but not exactly trying to go to sleep. These are the Brain Waves that help us tap into our relaxation techniques such as meditation or resting. Whatever, the relaxation technique, the less requirement of you to concentrate, the more your stress decreases. If you’re able to increase Alpha Brain Waves, then you can increase your creativity production and experience overall balance.

If at the age of 3 or around there, you experience a traumatic event, or you’re simply not just given the tools to learn how to relax, then your brain gets exposed to whatever you’ve experienced or have been taught. Your Alpha Brain Waves then become suppressed and you cannot easily relax like other people can. Simply, your subconscious becomes conditioned.

I was told long ago, that our hardest struggles and our most difficult lessons shape us. I believe that more, now than ever. I no longer will allow myself to keep on my knees. When I rise, I can help others rise. I am one and oneness is within me.

Did you know there is a tool available to you, called Shadow Work? This is the work that sheds light on self-awareness on what is referred to as our dark side, allowing you to integrate this work into the light. Also known as our positive attributes. When you are to accomplish this, you create a key component in the greater balance of life. When you are able to peel back layers through shadow work this allows you to go deep within. Doing this, then allows you to unlearn whatever condition you have learned in your subconscious state of mind to transmute and allow for an installment of a new download. You can create a new paradigm of Alpha Brain Waves; allowing you to surrender to proper relaxation techniques. This is different from the relaxation techniques you may have been struggling to practice, as now the subconscious is on a different and new level of learning.

This is part of my tool kit that I use with clients. Shadow work is something I deeply, madly advocate for because it helped save me from spiraling down into a deeper depression and from taking my last underwater breath.

*Shadow work is transformative, but it isn’t pretty or to be taken light-heartedly. If you’re ready to make some serious shifts, please follow the journal prompts below. However these prompts may help, they do not replace professional help from a medical or a licensed therapist.*

Shadow Prompts:

  1. Ask yourself what is your biggest struggle that you have faced or are currently facing?

  2. What are you accomplishing from allowing yourself to sink deeper into this state of mind and conscious reality?

  3. What would your ideal life look like after leaving this situation or laying this situation to rest? Explain.

  4. Explain why you haven’t left this situation, whether you’re still living in the past, or if this is still a current situation.

If you’re seeking to level up and this is calling you however your journey might look, I am seeking you as you seek me. For 1:1 coaching or self-studies visit

Love, Light & Dark:

Ashley, Energy Mentor & Plant Medicine Practitioner

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